Communicator Confessions

This is a quick glimpse at how my thought process tends to work. 

Also, Rox and I have a routine where she asks me how my weekend was and then I tell her some of what I did. But this weekend was so rad I had to write it ALL out!

McNew, Roxanna [12:38 PM]:

what did you do this weekend?

Edwards, Kelsey [12:38 PM]:

A WHOLE LOT

Edwards, Kelsey [12:38 PM]:

give me a minute

Edwards, Kelsey [12:49 PM]:

hokay

Edwards, Kelsey [12:49 PM]:

so on saturday shane and i went adventuring

Edwards, Kelsey [12:49 PM]:

i slept in that day

Edwards, Kelsey [12:49 PM]:

till 11

McNew, Roxanna [12:50 PM]:

nice

Edwards, Kelsey [12:50 PM]:

then we went to twin at 1 to go to an airshow

Edwards, Kelsey [12:50 PM]:

and i got to watch the blue angels!

Edwards, Kelsey [12:50 PM]:

for the first time

Edwards, Kelsey [12:50 PM]:

they were awesome

Edwards, Kelsey [12:50 PM]:

and the planes were awesome

McNew, Roxanna [12:50 PM]:

ahhh those are fun

Edwards, Kelsey [12:50 PM]:

and they let me touch things

McNew, Roxanna [12:50 PM]:

lol

Edwards, Kelsey [12:50 PM]:

and i got to get a picture with Lt. Tickle

Edwards, Kelsey [12:50 PM]:

and that cracked me up reaaaaal hard

Edwards, Kelsey [12:50 PM]:

then we went to costco in twin minutes before they closed cause i needed to buy food for church

Edwards, Kelsey [12:51 PM]:

then we went to his parents house and watched the olympics till it got dark and then we went to the bruneau observatory and looked at space and it was AWESOME

Edwards, Kelsey [12:51 PM]:

and we drove through like 4 miles of swarms of gnats

Edwards, Kelsey [12:51 PM]:

and it was gross and hilarious

Edwards, Kelsey [12:51 PM]:

and the weather was perfect

Edwards, Kelsey [12:51 PM]:

and i rode a school bus

Edwards, Kelsey [12:51 PM]:

and i saw mtn home

Edwards, Kelsey [12:51 PM]:

and i got sunburnt

Edwards, Kelsey [12:52 PM]:

and i got home at midnight and went to bed at 2:30

Edwards, Kelsey [12:52 PM]:

then woke up at 7:30 and went to church which was good

McNew, Roxanna [12:52 PM]:

ugh that is LATE

Edwards, Kelsey [12:52 PM]:

i got to teach teh kiddos this week

Edwards, Kelsey [12:52 PM]:

and they were fun and i tought them quiet coyote

Edwards, Kelsey [12:52 PM]:

and they got to make planets

McNew, Roxanna [12:52 PM]:

ahh fun

Edwards, Kelsey [12:53 PM]:

and then i went shopping and almost bought a raft but decided not to and i went to the army/navy surplus (which btw, i have to not go there a lot cause I LOVE it) and that was awesome

Edwards, Kelsey [12:53 PM]:

then i floated the river with matt and tabby and keri and almost christian

Edwards, Kelsey [12:53 PM]:

and we lost a paddle which sucked

Edwards, Kelsey [12:53 PM]:

but it was fun and cold and awesome and i wore a lifejacket

Edwards, Kelsey [12:53 PM]:

cause i don't wanna drown ever

Edwards, Kelsey [12:53 PM]:

and then i drove matt and tabby to look at a house they want to rent

Edwards, Kelsey [12:53 PM]:

cause they ride bikes everywhere and were late to that meeting

Edwards, Kelsey [12:54 PM]:

then i went home and took at shower and it was then 8 pm and i sat in my chair and watched the olympics and played on the internet

Edwards, Kelsey [12:54 PM]:

then i finished Love Does by Bob Goff which changed my life and then I watched 30 Rock and went to sleep around 1. I had an amazing weekend.

McNew, Roxanna [12:55 PM]:

sounds like it

Edwards, Kelsey [12:56 PM]:

i sometimes get overwhelmed by how blessed i am and then sometimes i feel bad for enjoying it as much as i do when i know that there are lots of people that can't do the things that i can and i think maybe i should not have fun like i do and do something to make someone else's life better instead

Edwards, Kelsey [12:57 PM]:

but then i think that i can do both of those things

Edwards, Kelsey [12:57 PM]:

and then i stop thinking about it and usually fall asleep. i have deep thougths at night time

McNew, Roxanna [12:58 PM]:

lol

Edwards, Kelsey [12:58 PM]:

i think im going to put this into my blog so people can see what my thought process is like, sometimes i wonder how i can keep up with myself

McNew, Roxanna [12:58 PM]:

but why couldn't other people have that kind of weekend fun

McNew, Roxanna [12:58 PM]:

it probably didn't cost you hardly anything

Edwards, Kelsey [12:58 PM]:

that is true, i think it just feels selfish

Edwards, Kelsey [12:59 PM]:

like "look i have all this awesomeness while you have nothing near this!"

Edwards, Kelsey [12:59 PM]:

i dunno

Edwards, Kelsey [12:59 PM]:

i sometimes think that i should drop what i have here and go somewhere where i can actively make a difference

McNew, Roxanna [12:59 PM]:

well it isn't like you are saying they CAN'T do it. you are just giving them reviews are awesome things they could do.

McNew, Roxanna [1:00 PM]:

now is the time to do that if you want to do that.

Edwards, Kelsey [1:01 PM]:

like i tithe and give money to things that i think are important, but i want to actually DO something. like i want to go teach kids or i want to help someone build something or i want to go somewhere where people don't even have clean water. i want to actually physically be doing something. and instead i feel like im just soaking up the excessiveness of america while others are sufferign

Edwards, Kelsey [1:01 PM]:

i want to like move to madagascar or something and DO something about world suck

McNew, Roxanna [1:01 PM]:

 well then save your money to live on it for 1-2 years then go on a trip

Edwards, Kelsey [1:02 PM]:

that is part of my problem, is that i don't want to wait. i want to do it NOW. i am so tempted to just get rid of everything and go

Edwards, Kelsey [1:03 PM]:

tomorrow isn't guaranteed, why not do something right now

Edwards, Kelsey [1:03 PM]:

who knows if i will feel this way in a year

McNew, Roxanna [1:03 PM]:

well if God wants you to do it you will always feel this way

Edwards, Kelsey [1:03 PM]:

that is a very true point

I don't know why, but I felt like I should put this on here. Seems a lot easier than writing out an entire blog about what I happened to be thinking at this moment. 

Bicycle! That's Fun to Say!

So I have secretly been working out the last 2 weeks. I don't know that it's necessarily working out and it's not really a secret so much as I just haven't said anything to anyone about it. I told myself that I need to start riding my bike at least 1 mile a night. I want to do it before work, but we're talking baby steps here, and if you know me you know I don't do mornings. Or waking up for that matter.

I've had a bike for about a year but it's always been a little big for me, and it's a mountain bike and I'm in no shape to be taking on mountains. Also, I fall a lot, AND I've crashed a scooter going like 14 miles per hour, so it's prolly not the best idea.  Therefore, I decided to search for a new bike. I searched Craigslist almost relentlessly looking for the perfect bike for like 3 weeks, which was driving my co-worker Drew crazy (cause he is a whiny baby and likes to ruin my dreams and watch what I do at work while I'm on calls and make fun of me cause I'm not him and I don't strictly look at Reddit all day) but that's beside the point. The point is that I finally found a bike! I heart it too. I got it for $75 and the person I bought it from made some pretty awesome adjustments to it. All I want to do is get some cruiser bars and a different seat and it will be the best bike ever!

Ok, now back to the point of this. Not only did I get a fancy new to me bike, but I also had this goal to ride my bike a mile a night. Well, I went to Portland Friday, Saturday and Sunday of this last week, and when I came back I didn't ride at all. I went back to being lazy and watching YouTube videos and reading. But not tonight! Tonight I went out and I started my bike riding again. But I didn't do my mile. Partly cause I haven't ridden for a week and it hurt my butt more than I would have liked, but also partly cause I got really self-conscious.

Now let me tell you, I am not one to generally be self-conscious. I will go outside in a tank top and a headband without pants on and not think twice about what people think, but tonight was different. Tonight when I went for a bike ride lots of people were giving me weird looks and I was more than likely being hyper-sensitive, but I felt like I was being judged. Like they were thinking "look at that fat kid trying to ride a bike, what a loser."

Then I started thinking about it, and I realized that it doesn't matter what they think. Who cares if someone wants to think they are better than me because they are fitter, or because they don't struggle to ride a bike down the street. The point is that I'm trying. It's better than not doing anything, and if they want to look down on me, then let 'em. If anything I will use that as motivation, the motivation I need to get better and stronger and faster and to go out there and then become one of them and judge others who are like me when I'm down 50 pounds! (kidding!)

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I shouldn't care what others are thinking because I am out there and I am doing something. And not only that, don't judge other people for being different than you. EVERYONE is different than everyone else, you do you, and you let them do them.

As Third Eye Blind would say, "if nothing else I am myself, that's all I have to give."

I Had a Brilliant Idea!

Last week I had what I thought was a brilliant idea.

I need to preface this a bit. For years now I've wanted to have business cards made. I have no reason for them, I just think it would be cool to be like "would you like my card?" The problem with this is that I don't have a business, nor a job where I would benefit from networking. So I decided that I would have them made just for funsies, but I had no idea what I would put on them other than like my phone number and something like "have an awesome day!"

Then last week I had what I could consider an epiphany of awesome. I can have business cards made so I can put them in those free lunch things at restaurants and up my chances of winning a free lunch! It's gonna be awesome.

I have mentioned before that I like to watch YouTube videos. Part of that is watching vlogs, which are people who record their daily life for everyone. I like the Vlogbrothers, Shaycarl, Charles Trippy etc. These guys all have nicknames for their fan base, and I decided I would put those names on the cards. That way when people are like, "what's a Nerd Fighter" or, "what's CTFxC mean?" I can not only pretend that I am part of some "exclusive club" but I can also expose them to the greatness that can be the internet.

The Vlogbrothers have done amazing things in the world since they started 5 years ago, including Project for Awesome, VidCon, and The Foundation to Decrease WorldSuck.

Shaycarl is just plain awesome, he's a good dad, a devoted husband and according to his Twitter he, is "slowly but surely building a small army of people who believe that happy families are the answer to 73% of our worlds problems."

My buddy Christian mentioned that I should get a QR code created as well but I was unsure about what it would take people to. He said I should link it to this blog or maybe my Facebook page. But I think what I want to do is link it to a site that can help people. I mean, I don't expect a lot of people to actually look at my card or to use a QR code if it's on there, but for the 14 people that actually do look at it, it could motivate them to do something. I am not sure what site or sites I should link it to, but I'm open to suggestions. I'm thinking things like Kiva.org or Charity:Water or Forgo, something where if people actually go to the site, they will feel compelled to help change the world. Even if it's just 50 cents at a time. 

As I am writing this down I am realizing just how ridiculous this probably seems to lots of people. But it's something that I think is rad. It's also a way for me to just continue having fun and keep my life full of what Bob Goff would call whimsy.
Also, while talking to my friend April today about some of the things that I could be ashamed about, like my love for Nathan Fillion, she said "just embrace it." I like that. I don't need to change who I am for people. I need to embrace it and keep having fun. And that's what this idea is all about: Fun.

I Might Die at 27!

Here's a list of 27 things you do or don't know about me.

1. I am the slowest walker in the world. I guarantee you that toddlers walk faster than I do. People have gotten mad at me for this since the day I learned to walk, but I accept it. I was told once that I meander through life, and I feel like that is a great description to my view on life.

2. I have been fired from more jobs than I have quit.

3. When I first moved to Boise I bought a trailer for $500. I didn't have hot water, my fridge was hooked up through an extension cord and plugged into my neighbors trailer for power (in exchange for me letting him park his Harley's in my carport), I didn't have a working oven or stove the entire time I lived there, the power would go out if I had any appliances on while trying to vacuum, and I was missing 2/3rds of the roof and it was covered by a tarp. I found all of these things out after I purchased said trailer from the old man I bought it from. I lived there for over a year though and made it work. I would shower at my dad's trailer which was 2 down from mine, and I had a toaster oven and hot plate that cooked my food.

4. The best job I've ever had was when I worked for Americorps. I worked at an elementary school tutoring K-6 graders in basic math and English.

5. I don't understand Reddit. I feel like I should seeing as how it basically runs the internet, and I like the internet, but it just confuses me. There's too much happening for me to follow a thread. I like Imgur more cause I can click on a picture and that's all I have to do.

6. The most important person in my life was my grandma. She died when I was 16 and I went into a major downward spiral of depression and mass amounts of anxiety. I finally got my shit figured out when I was 19 and have vowed to never be that person again.

7. I have struggled with anxiety since I was a kid. I started taking medication for it about 8 years ago and it has helped me level out and be more normal. I don't generally like talking about it, but I just put it on the internet so I guess I actually am ok with it.

8. I love social media. I wish I didn't, but I really do. A lot of people say that people are different when they are on Facebook or Twitter or YouTube, but the way that I see it is that people are their real selves. It's hard to explain, but I think that the way people act and the way they are at heart are different. I think that it's easier for people to be happy and show their true selves when they aren't face to face with peer pressure etc.

9. I LOVE rap. There is a new wave of rap coming around these days that is much more upbeat and a lot more real than rap of the past, and I have been eating it up! It's not all FBGM and "I got shot 8 times" and the n-word it's more about enjoying life and living in the moment. Some of my favorite current artists are Atmosphere, Classified, Macklemore, Grieves, and Lupe.

10.  I count a lot. I count my steps when I'm walking. I count how many steps I walk up if I'm going up stairs. I count how much I pedal when riding my bike. Whenever I'm driving down Apple St. between Boise and Gekeler how many manhole covers there are, because there is an excessive amount (I've counted between 26 and 30. We're gonna say there's 30) I count to calm my mind before I go to sleep. If I am just counting cause I'm in my head I ALWAYS count to 100 and then start over.

11. I am secretly glad that the Sonics moved to OKC because I have never been able to wear the color green and I would like to support the home team but I've never been able to.*

*Yes, I am aware that the Seahawks have horrible neon green in their color scheme as well, but at least I can get away with the blue. 

12. I have always wanted to be a personal assistant to someone. I think it would be fun just doing stuff for other people all day. If not that then I would like to be a PA on a movie or tv set. It's weird to some people, but I would enjoy doing the gopher work.

13. I've never done drugs in my life. I had no desire to. Never smoked weed, never had a cigarette. I've had one complete alcoholic beverage in my life, and that is cause my roommate got hammered one night and all but forced me to drink a Washington Apple. For the record, it was gross.

14. I love to watch the commentary on movies and t.v. shows. If I own a movie, I've watched it with commentary. Speaking of, the weirdest movie commentary I've ever watched was for Old School; That shit cray! (That's for you Marissa, if you read this.)

15. I cuss. I am not necessarily proud of it, but I do. Sometimes I feel like it's necessary for emphasis, other times it's cause I'm around people that cuss. Personally I'm ok with it, but I don't think that an educated 27 year old woman should cuss as much as I do.

16. I used to think of myself as a music snob, but now I don't. I appreciate music for the art and talent behind it. I used to make fun of people for liking music that I thought was terrible, but now I've got a "to each their own" attitude. Don't make fun of me for liking Bieber, I won't make fun of you for liking something as terrible as Metallica. (BTW, I like almost all music, but I'm NOT a metal fan.)

17.  I remember the most ridiculous things. I remember a conversation I had with a gas station attendant 6 years ago, but I legitimately cannot remember what I did on Monday night. I remember almost every interaction I have with someone, but can't remember to take a grocery list with me when I go to the store. It kinda sucks. I also have what I would consider a photographic memory where if I go into a room I can remember what it looked like and who was standing/sitting where.

18. In the last 2 weeks I have had 2 dreams involving Nathan Fillion and my birthday. They were both rad, but it's a little disconcerting that I have had 2 dreams in 2 weeks when to my memory I can't remember ever having a dream with him in them. Both of them had him showing up to my birthday celebration, so I guess I really want to invite him to my birthday.

19. It's not something that I would consider a fear, but for the last 2 years I have wondered if I might die at 27. I am aware that I am not a musician and I'm not famous, but I have thought about the irony of joining the 27 Club (click here) I am 99.999999 percent sure that it's not gonna happen, but WHAT IF IT DOES?!

20. I am not really a hypochondriac, but I really enjoy using hyperbole when it comes to my sicknesses. One time I was deathly ill with the stomach flu and I told everyone I had Ebola-AIDS. I most definitely didn't believe that one bit, but I found it hilarious. I must have read it somewhere, cause I don't think I could make up something that awesome on my own.

21. I make damn good grilled cheese sandwiches. Use Orowheat bread, cream cheese, Kraft singles, then grill. SO GOOD.

22. I am really good at spelling. I know the proper uses of there/their/they're. I know that a lot is 2 words. It is a huge pet peeve of mine when people don't use those things properly. It's funny though cause while I am good at English, I am the worst at math. If someone was to be like "you annoy me cause you can't multiply 12x8" I would not take that well.

23. When I go to the bathroom at work whatever stall I first go in I go into that same one throughout the rest of the day.

24. I love Little League baseball. When I was in 7th grade my brother and I were visiting my dad and we didn't have a lot to do so we watched like 3 weeks worth of the Little League World Series, and I've been hooked ever since. There's just something about the hope and the competitiveness and the innocence of it. I've been watching every August since then.

25. My old roommate won The Price is Right several years ago, and one day when my friend Dewey and I were both having terrible days she let us watch the video of her on it, with live in-living-room commentary. Sometimes now when I have a bad day I think of that day and laugh.

26. I am a fairly picky eater, but if you fry it I'll most likely eat it. (This is a large contributor to my fatness, I'm fully aware.)

27.  I have 3 main goals in life.

1. Go to South Africa
2. Go to the Little League World Series in Williamsport, PA
3. Travel to all 50 states

You're Gonna Hate Me a Little For This

I think things; I think a lot in fact. While I like to be around people and I love to be social, and I overshare details of my life to make people have a laugh, I really enjoy being by myself. If I had a choice I would come home and hang out with myself every day after work and only venture out into the world occasionally. I'm really good at entertaining myself. Or I should say that books, tv, internet and music are good at entertaining me. I don't know that I have a point to this particular post other than I just feel like writing. Bear with me, these thoughts will be sporadic and will probably not flow at all.

I am by no means an optimist, I want that to be clear. In fact, I am a cynical, judgmental, critical and difficult person. But in the last year I have realized how much I value life. I don't know how to explain it really. I mean God has given me infinite abundance of greatness in my life. I have more than a person needs, and I don't know what to do with it all. It's an amazing blessing what I have been given, and I just want to share that with everyone.

The problem that I've run into is that not everyone is as grateful as I am. I'm not saying they should be happy about everything all the time, God knows I'm not, but I wish they would at least put their lives into perspective. I don't know if it's cause I'm getting older or what, but I have found myself getting more and more frustrated with the general population. All I hear from people these days is complaints. Complaining cause they don't have this, complaining because they don't have that, trying to justify their actions and then complaining about the outcomes. It's frustrating.

I have had an extremely big problem in the last 8 or so months where I will tell people the exact opposite of what they say to me. If someone was like "I got hit by a car today and my car is fine and I am fine but now I have to deal with the insurance company to get my car fixed" I would say something like "ok, well let's be grateful that you're ok and that you are part of the 7% of the world that actually HAS a car."I am honestly not doing it to be difficult. I have thought about it a lot lately and I can't figure out why I feel the need to do it. I think it may be because whenever I get down about something I try my hardest to think of the opposite of how I'm feeling. I think that deep down my true intention is so that everyone else can be happy like I am, but honestly it just comes off as rude and unnecessary. Like I said, I'm working on it.
 
I want to just shake them and tell them to reassess their life choices if they don't like how things are going right now. The majority of the time people are in the situations they are because of choices that they have made. If you want something different for your life, DO something about it. Don't have money? Stop spending stupidly. Don't like your job? Look for a different one. Getting burnt out on school? Take a break. People want things to just happen, they don't want to put effort into it (please note I am one of those people. I wish I could just lose weight without working out or having to eat healthier) and it's driving me crazy.

I am not saying I don't do these exact same things. I am a hypocrite. I am a pot calling the kettle black. I am a messed up person just like you. I don't think less of you for doing these things, how can I judge someone for sinning in a way that is different than how I sin? All I'm saying is that I wish people would put their lives into perspective before going and playing the victim. My grandma used to tell me that no matter how bad things are, there is someone that has it worse off than you. And since I live in the United States of America, I know for a fact that is true. I may be struggling with something, but I guarantee I have it better than at least SOMEONE in the world.

I really just wanted to get this out into word form, it's something I've been chewing on a lot lately and something that I felt like needed to be addressed. I'm sure it's going to offend someone and someone will read more into this than they should, as this is the great interwebz and that always happens. If I have learned anything in my internet escapades, I've learned that everyone has an opinion on everything and no one will agree with you ever. Take care my friends, from one hypocrite to the next, I love you.