Tuesday, May 31, 2011

When You Don't Have the Words

Sometimes you just don't have the words to express how you feel. Sometimes all you can do is feel it. Sometimes telling people that you are sad or happy is just not enough. I have tried to express my feelings in words the last 2 months, but they are just not enough to describe it. Is it sadness? Yes. Is it feeling a void in your heart? Yes. Is it happiness that the suffering is over? Yes. But what happens when you can't find the one word or the right string of words to describe how you feel? What then? I honestly don't know. All I know is that I feel it. I feel the missing part of me. I feel like I need to be able to say what I'm feeling, but I just can't find the words. There's so much to say, but how do I say it?
I guess I have to start out by saying that I miss you. I miss you every day. Even though it seems like nothing has changed, it has. I feel guilt for not being there. I feel anger for you not wanting to change, and for me not trying hard enough to help you. I feel sadness in the part of my heart where you lived. You were my dad, and for that I am thankful. Yes you made mistakes, and yes you could have done better, but what matters are the memories I have. Not all are bad. Many from when I was young are good memories, and I cherish each of them. I loved the weekends spent at your house eating McDonald's and candy bars, jumping the fence to get to the gas station, hitting my shins on the truck every time I got in, staying up all night to watch scary movies and taking naps during football games, sneaking into the dollar movies, swimming every day and all the other crazy stuff you let us do.
I'm still feeling the weight of your loss. I always will. I don't have the words to express how I feel, and maybe I never will. I don't know what happens when you don't have the words to express what's going on inside, but I know what i feel. And I know that even though I might seem fine on the outside, I still feel on the inside.
If you were still here, things wouldn't have changed. I know that. They would have stayed the same. But I do know that no matter what I love you and that you will forever be with me.

I've been a moonshiner
for seventeen long years
and I spent all my money
on whiskey and beer
and I go to some hollow
and set up my still
if whiskey don't kill me
Lord, I don't know what will

and I go to some barroom
to drink with my friends
where the women they can't follow
to see what I spend
God bless them pretty women
I wish they was mine
with breath as sweet as
the dew on the vine

let me eat when I'm hungry
let me drink when I'm dry
two dollars when I'm hard up
religion when I die
the whole world is a bottle
and life is but a dream
when the bottle gets empty
Lord, it sure ain't worth a damn

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